Help Wanted -- Guardian of Gates and Doorways

This position requires the unique skills of a being who can remain in the present for eternity, while those who pass through concern themselves only with the past and the future for their entire earthly lifetimes.

Primary responsibility: to mark the comings and goings of personages and of time.

Must possess skill in the following areas:

• great patience and discernment
• the ability to welcome friends and cast away foes
• knowledge of various human conditions, including but not limited to urban and rural life, war and peace, and various levels of so-called civilization
• the ability to remain alert with little or no sleep for at least one eon, the duration of which shall be determined by the employers
• the ability to be omnipresent (will train)
• preference for stationary amusements
• bi-directional visage would be an asset
• Roman lineage also an asset, but not a requirement

This full-full-time position offers the right applicant countless opportunities to become acquainted with all who come and go and to make decisions of great import. Candidates for this position may already be worshipped for various qualities and reasons, provided he or she has the ability to fulfill the aforementioned gate-keeping responsibilities. Upon successful completion of the standard thousand-year probation period, the Guardian of Gates and Doors will be issued the key to all portals.

Application deadline: the precise moment when the most suitable being recognizes his or her interest in eternal guardianship.

Apply in person or in spirit to God on High and Father Time.